Dear Diary, 2020

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I am not sure who the author of this is, but it’s genius!!! For all of our international friends, this is essentially what’s been happening in the US over the last several months. I wish I could say it isn’t true, but I can’t 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️. It’s ridiculous!!! Some of the emojis may not translate so sorry about that!

Hope this brings a few chuckles to those in need!!

Dear Diary 2020 Edition,


In ❄️ January, 🔥 Australia caught on fire. I don’t even know if that fire was put out, because we straight up almost went to war with Iran 🇮🇷 . We might actually still be almost at war with them 🤔. I don’t know, because 👩 Jen Aniston and 👨🏻 Brad Pitt spoke to one another at an awards 🏆 show and everyone flipped the crap out 😲, but then there was this thing happening in 🦇 🇨🇳 China, then 👑 Prince Harry and Megan ✌🏼 peaced out of the Royal family, and there was the whole impeachment trial 👩‍⚖️ , and then corona virus 🦠 showed up in the US ✔️“officially,” but then 🏀 Kobe died 😭and UK 🇬🇧 peaced out of the European Union.


In February, 🌽 Iowa crapped 💩 itself with the caucus results and the president was acquitted and the 👩🏼‍💼Speaker of the House took ten. Whole. years. to rip up a speech , but then The👨‍🔬 🌎WHO decided to give this virus a name COVID-19, which confused 🤔some really important people 👔 in charge of, like, our lives, into thinking there were 18 other versions before it, but then Harvey Weinstein was found guilty👨🏻‍⚖️, and 🇺🇸 Americans started asking if Corona beer 🍺 was safe to drink🤦🏻‍♀️, and everyone on Facebook became a doctor 👨‍⚕️ who just knew the 🤒flu like killed way more people than COVID 1 through 18.


In March, stuff hit the fan👿. Warren dropped out of the presidential race and Sanders was like Bernie or bust 💥, but then Italy 🇮🇹 shut its whole country down 🚷, and then COVID Not 1 through 18 officially become what everyone already realized, a 😱pandemic and then a nationwide state of emergency 🆘was declared in US 🇺🇸 , but it didn’t really change anything, so everyone was confused or thought it was still just a flu 💁🏻‍♀️, but then COVID Not 18 was like ya’ll not taking me seriously? 💡 I’m gonna infect the one celebrity everyone loves and totally infected Tom Hanks👨🏻, get y’all to close all of the schools so y’all can 🙏🏼 appreciate teachers 👩‍🏫 for once (because you can’t teach them anything other than how to use a touch screen🤦🏻‍♀️ ) close down all of salons so you can’t get your 💇‍♂️ hair or your nails done💅 , everyone had to work from home and attend Zoom meetings in their underwear. The 📉 DOW took a crap 💩 on itself, and most of us still don’t understand why the stock market is so important or even a thing 🤔 (I still don’t), We were then all introduced to 🐅 Tiger King and the ONE thing we can all agree on this year , 👍🏼Carol totally killed her husband⚰️ ….. whacked him! And then Netflix was like you’re welcome, and we all realized there was no way we were washing our hands enough in the first place because all of our hands are now dry and gross and were all searching for lotion now.


In 🌧 April, Bernie finally busted✌🏼 himself out of the presidential race 🏃 , but then NYC 🗽became the set of The Walking Dead 💀 and we learned that no one has face masks 😷, ventilators, or toilet paper, or THE FREAKING SWIFFER WET JET LIQUID , and by now our 🦁outgrowth is showing, so there’s a shortage on 📦 box hair dye and all of our hair dressers are like , 😱 NO DONT DO IT!!! But, then Kim Jong-Un died, but then he came back to life … or did he? Who knows, because then the Pentagon released 🎥 videos of UFOs and nobody cared, and we were like man, it’s only April….


In 💐 May, the biblical end times kicked off , historical locust swarms, we learned of murder hornets 🐝 and realized that 2020 was the start of the Hunger Games🙈 however people forgot to let us know. people legit started to protest lockdown measures with 🔫 AR-15s, 🏀⚾️sports events were cancelled everywhere. But then people all over America finally reached a breaking point with race issues and violence. There were 🗣protests in every city🌃 ,which was confusing to some of us because people were definitely gathering in 👫crowds of more than 🖐🏼🤚🏼10 and for sure closer than 6 foot away ⬅️➡️from each other . Those people must have forgotten about the 😖pandemic called COVID Not One Through 18. Media 📺 🗞 struggled with how to 🤬focus on two important things at once, people in general struggle to focus on more than one important thing. A dead whale 🐋 was found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest 🌳 after monkeys 🐒 stole COVID 1 Through 19 from a lab 🔬 and ran off with them, and either in May or April (no one is keeping track of time now) that a giant asteroid ☄️ narrowly missed the Earth🌍.


In ☀️ June, science and common sense just got thrown 🤾🏼 straight out the window and somehow 😷 wearing masks became a 🏛political thing, but then everyone sort of remembered there was a pandemic, but then decided that not wearing a mask was somehow a ✝️God given right (still haven’t found that part in the bible or even in the constitution). then 👨‍🔬scientists announced they found a mysterious undiscovered mass at the center of the earth, and everyone was like 🙅🏽‍♂️🙅🏻‍♀️🚧DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT, but then everyone took a pause to realize that people actually believed Gone With The Wind 💨 was like non-fiction, but then it was also announced that there is a strange 🛰radio signal coming from somewhere in the universe 🌌 that repeats itself every so many days 🗓 , and everyone was like 👽 DON’T YOU DARE ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE WITH IT‼️🚫 but then America reopened 🙌🏼from the shut down that actually wasn’t even a shut down, and so far, things have gone spectacularly …. not that great 👎🏼. All of the Karen’s came out at once, and people started tearing down 🔨 statues. Everyone is on Facebook arguing 🤼‍♀️ that masks kill because no one knows how breathing works 👃🏼, but then Florida 🏖 was like hold my beer 🍺 and let me show you how we’re number one 🥇 in all things, including new Not Corona Beer Coronavirus. Trump 👱🏻‍♂️decides now is a good time to ask the Supreme Court 🏛 to shut down ❌Obama Care because what better time to do so than in the middle of a pandemic 💁🏻‍♀️ , but then we learned there was a massive dust cloud ☁️ coming straight at us 📍from the Sahara Desert 🐫 , which is totally normal, but this is 2020, so the 👻 ghost mummy thing is most likely in that dust cloud. We then 📚 learned of meth-gators 🐊 , and I’m like that is so not on my flipping 2020 Bingo card 😡 can we use it as the free space?? 🤷🏻 Then we learned that the Congo’s worst ever Ebola 🚨 outbreak is over 😓, and we were all like, there was an Ebola outbreak that was the worse ever? 👀 ……. and don’t forget we just discovered FLYING SNAKES! 🐍, seriously! FLYING SNAKES!!!!


So here comes July…. at this point we are over it , just tell us what’s next …. 👽 Aliens? 🔱Zeus? ☄️ Asteroids? Artificial Intelligence becomes self aware? Can it just be something cool 😎 or fun for once? Maybe even a good laugh , like hahaha 😂 April Fools! We all actually wouldn’t mind that joke at this point.

Whoever wrote this, thank you! A good laugh was needed on this fine Thursday afternoon.

…i choose this…

Pam

43 comments

  1. Funny but sad. Just so crazy!!!! I can’t believe how my state just really isn’t doing anything at all. No direction. Our governor just “trusts Iowans to do the right thing”. Regardless, we are still going to Colorado on the 30th this month!! Yay!!!!! Social distance hiking and packing our own food for picnic meals……Well we are going unless Colorado quarantines us too!!!

    Like

  2. Ha! This is great fun to read. I want to second the idea of “Can it just be something cool 😎 or fun for once?” because I’m ready for that to happen soon, plus that’s my favorite emoji. Happy Weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. OMG! I’m still crying from laughing so hard. Seriously, this isn’t funny, but omg, YES. IT. IS!! There are just so many lines in here that are priceless. You just can’t make this shit up … and we’re only just more than half way through 2020!!!

    Liked by 1 person

          1. Isn’t it a known truth that in a crisis both the really good and really bad come out in people? It seems we are living it right now to the extreme 😦

            In my books, you will always be welcome to Canada 💕 … although our government might not feel the same for a while!

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I have to re-read it again because it is so full of MASSIVE info!!!!! I had to check first “the whale found in the middle of the Amazon rain forest” because I was like “whaaaat?!” But hey, most of this post made me go “wait whaaaat?!”
    The June part is the best I reckon… Worryingly hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Boring as hell to be honest … Actually I doubt hell is boring, but you know what I mean!!!
        I’m actively looking for a new permanent job (strangely enough, recruiters are not fighting to get me 🥺) and Covid is slightly ruining the atmosphere … Some DIY in the house too…
        How about you?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I just saw this after I asked how you were doing (again)! I hope you find a new job soon. That has to be dragging you down a bit. We have been having a pretty fun summer. Thank god we have tons of places to explore. I can say when I was in between projects, I thought I was going to lose my mind. Things feel sort of back to normal – without the international travel of course. Sending you some good juju for a job.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my! It’s so overwhelming when you read it and crazy that any of us have survived. I also learned about a few things that I missed…”meth gators?” “mysterious mass at the center of the earth?”… pretty sure this is why I avoid most news. lol.

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